Hi …

Ever taken on someone else’s pain as if it were your own?

I sure have!

And it nearly ruined me lol

When done to an extreme degree taking on other’s pain and problems can cause vicarious trauma….

A condition where you experience trauma symptoms simply from being closely exposed to someone else’s pain.

This is VERY common in codependent relationships…

Where one, or both, partners feel responsible for the other person’s feelings, problems, and emotions.

We take on the other person’s problems, and since we cannot solve them (they aren’t ours to solve) we get stuck in a constant cycle of enablement that only ensure that the problem persists and grows.

At its core, vicarious trauma is when we take on the emotions, stress, or trauma of someone else…often unconsciously…believing that by holding it, we can help them carry the weight.

We think,

“If I take on their pain, maybe I can help lighten their load.” 

And sometimes, it feels like the right thing to do, like the ULTIMATE act of loyalty or love!

Right?!

But here’s the problem…

Emotions, especially trauma, are NOT light.

They’re heavy and consuming.

And when we carry emotions that aren’t ours, they start to deplete us in ways we never anticipated.

Since we ultimately have NO POWER over other’s emotions, we try to change things that are ultimately out of our control.

And whenever you try to control things you cannot control, you endure suffering.

A many years ago, I found myself in a situation where I’d taken on every ounce of someone else’s trauma.

I thought I was helping her, but in reality, I was transferring her pain into my own body, my own mind.

I didn’t just empathize with her struggles…I internalized them.

I ruminated over her pain….

I tortured myself to no end to try to solve her problems…

In the end it broke me…

And that’s when I learned one of the hardest lessons of my life:

Vicarious trauma can destroy you, and when it does, you’re left with nothing to give…not to yourself, not to anyone.

You lose yourself AND the other person you think you’re helping.

But why does this happen?

Why can’t we simply empathize without internalizing the pain?

Well…

Our brains are wired with something called “mirror neurons.”

They help us feel empathy by mirroring the emotions and sensations of others as if they’re happening to us.

It’s the reason we wince when we see someone else get hurt or tear up when we see someone crying.

But while these mirror neurons make us capable of deep empathy, they also make us vulnerable to “vicarious trauma”.

It’s a subtle and silent process, and because it feels almost heroic to be “taking on” someone else’s pain…

Right?

But, we don’t realize it’s eating away at us until it’s too late.

At the end of the day, remember that you don’t have to take on someone else’s pain to help them.

In fact, you’ll be better equipped to support them if you’re taking care of YOURSELF first.

Helping others doesn’t mean sacrificing your mental health….

Are you sacrificing yourself to help another?

It doesn’t mean draining yourself to empty.

True support isn’t about losing yourself in someone else’s struggle, it’s about standing strong in your own life so you can lend them a hand from a place of wholeness.

You can be there for others without breaking yourself.

You can support without sacrificing.

You matter too.

– BRAD

“No one can heal you, but YOU.”

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